Mass Effect Limericks
by wentletrap
Summary: Limericks about Mass Effect 1 and 2.  Previously posted on another forum, now collected in one place.  sorry about the wonky formatting


**Mass Effect Limericks**

Blasto, the first Hanar Spectre  
>joined Shepard to fight the Collectors.<br>But his slimy wet skin  
>was what did him in<br>when he tried out his new Arc Projector.

* * *

><p>Jane Shepard died floating in space.<br>Her ship got blown up in a chase.  
>This crushing defeat<br>I'm doomed to repeat  
>until I perfect her new face.<p>

* * *

><p>I once met a justicar's daughter.<br>Compared to her mom, she was hotter.  
>The mother I ditched,<br>and once they were switched,  
>none realized her daughter was not her.<p>

* * *

><p>With Kelly, I'd flirt and act witty.<br>Our growing romance made me giddy.  
>I thought it auspicious<br>when she fed my fishes –  
>so I, in return, fed her kitty.<p>

* * *

><p>I once knew a clan called the Urdnot.<br>For Krogan, they were an absurd lot.  
>To mess with their brains,<br>I gave them some Cains.  
>Since then, from the Urdnot, I've heard not.<p>

* * *

><p>Of scanning, I quickly got bored,<br>so my upgrades, I could not afford.  
>It tore Thane apart,<br>and touched Legion's heart,  
>and Jack was, quite literally, floored.<p>

* * *

><p>There once was a man from Akuze,<br>A renegade with a short fuse.  
>A reporter, Jilani,<br>asked a question too many,  
>so he, shall we say... broke her news.<p>

* * *

><p>I'm Shepard, and you can be sure<br>this merchant won't mistreat the poor.  
>Of all those who sell<br>in this Citadel,  
>this one is my favorite store.<p>

* * *

><p>I think my most favorite Quarian<br>has got to be Admiral Daro 'Xen.  
>Her small role's a shame…<br>do you think there's a game  
>where I'd get to hear her voice moreagain?

* * *

><p>I was bred with no visible flaw,<br>and just killed my first thresher maw.  
>Remember my slogan:<br>_I am a pure Krogan,_  
><em>and all of you should be in awe<em>.

* * *

><p>I once met a smuggler named Ish.<br>"Please go get my stuff", was his wish.  
>For a Mass Effect quest,<br>I was actually impressed -  
>beats talking to Krogan 'bout fish.<p>

* * *

><p>On Afterlife's lower dance floor,<br>a bartender gave me a pour.  
>Alas, he had drugged it,<br>so after I chugged it,  
>my head and my ego were sore.<p>

Another round quickly was sold,  
>but this time the barkeep was told<br>to make this next batch  
>go down his own hatch.<br>Revenge is a drink best served cold.

Kasumi

With Kasumi I try to converse,  
>but alas, all her lines are so terse.<br>I loved the assault  
>we led on Hock's vault...<br>Now, how can I get into hers?

* * *

><p>Each Mass Effect chick wants to do me,<br>except for the one called Kasumi.  
>From her I get nil –<br>just free drinks until  
>EDI points the restroom out to me.<p>

Miranda

I've no more ill will towards Cerberus,  
>and no longer care if they're murderous.<br>My hatred subsided  
>the day they provided<br>the lovely Miranda to nurture us.

* * *

><p>For two years, I was just meat and tubes.<br>Then Cerberus rebuilt my pubes.  
>It's Science I'm thanking<br>as I sit here spanking  
>to Ms. Lawson's engineered boobs.<p>

* * *

><p>Miranda and Jacob once were<br>both lovers, from what I infer.  
>How strange to realize<br>that line "but the PRIZE"  
>somehow must have once worked on her.<p>

* * *

><p>Oh Miri, your body's a wonder<br>whose booty I do love to plunder.  
>And sweet is your voice,<br>which makes me rejoice  
>when I hear it come from down under.<p>

Jack

In each mission, Jack always tends  
>to die many times 'ere it ends.<br>Wish I could have chosen  
>to leave her ass frozen<br>and use her and Grunt as bookends.

* * *

><p>I once met a gal with no hair.<br>Her tattoos were all she would wear.  
>While gaining her trust,<br>I gave in to lust  
>and pleasured her under the stair.<p>

* * *

><p>I rescued my love from the Purgatory,<br>and then helped her blow up a laboratory.  
>Now smiling with joy,<br>she lets me deploy  
>my Hammerhead into her territory.<p>

* * *

><p>She has tats of each color and shape,<br>and boobs that are held up by tape –  
>but the kinkiest fact<br>about my girl Jack:  
>the carpet's as short as the drapes.<p>

Tali

Poor Tali's been coughing all day.  
>My crew asks if she is ok:<br>"It's from dust... when I went  
>through the Collectors' vent..."<br>she says, looking slyly my way.

* * *

><p>Tali'Zorah came on to me shyly,<br>so last night I was humping her dryly.  
>At a critical juncture,<br>she got a suit puncture –  
>now her fever is running quite highly.<p>

* * *

><p>Tali'Zorah thought I was a hunk,<br>and came up to sleep in my bunk.  
>She leapt off her feet<br>like a Varren in heat,  
>pinning me 'neath her Quarian junk.<p>

* * *

><p>The night before Harbinger's base,<br>Ms. Tali came up to my place.  
>She jumped me bareheaded –<br>a move she regretted  
>when my Omni-Gel went in her face.<p>

* * *

><p>While taking a break from our duties,<br>my Tali and I, we knocked booties.  
>But seeing her suitless<br>was, in the end, fruitless –  
>she died from all my human cooties.<p>

Samara

Samara is stubbornly sour.  
>regarding my offer to plow her.<br>"By my code, I abide -  
>your request is denied"…<br>Alas, I must take a cold shower.

* * *

><p>Samara is dressed up the hottest.<br>Her clothing is sleek and immodest.  
>In Part Three one day,<br>I hope that I may  
>find peace in the embrace of that bodice.<p>

* * *

><p>Samara, I want you so badly.<br>"In another lifetime…" you say sadly.  
>My dear, if that's true,<br>Project Lazarus II  
>is something I would endure gladly.<p>

Ashley

I once knew a gunnery chief  
>whose body was beyond belief.<br>On our way to the Conduit,  
>she let me get onto it –<br>after she saw me de-brief...

* * *

><p>Ashley… she wanted me, utterly.<br>She longed to be chief of my gunnery.  
>So last night in my cabin,<br>– O Captain! My Captain! –  
>I gave her the chance to serve under me.<p>

Liara

Liara helped Shepard review  
>what Prothean data she knew.<br>Melding with his mind,  
>she was then inclined<br>to meld with the rest of him too.

* * *

><p>My lovely Liara, I wish you<br>had let me do more than just kiss you.  
>Alas, as it stands,<br>I'm left with my hands  
>and pics from this month's Fornax issue.<p>

* * *

><p>Oh, the azure's an interesting spectacle.<br>Each Asari has one quite identical.  
>Just like with their head,<br>there's no hair, but instead  
>the whole thing is covered with tentacles.<p>

* * *

><p>In a room full of dossiers and vids,<br>overwhelmed by investments and bids,  
>she dreams of a day<br>when we'll both run away  
>to a marriage and little blue kids.<p>

* * *

><p>I seduce every girl that I meet,<br>whether yeoman, or soldier elite;  
>genetically flawless<br>or tattooed and lawless;  
>even one from the Quarian fleet.<p>

But to love, I was always immune,  
>'til her freckled blue face made me swoon.<br>The thought of her places  
>my poor heart in Stasis –<br>_Liara, come back again soon._

Jacob

Jane Shepard was thrilled at the chance  
>to get in her man Jacob's pants.<br>She got to see way more  
>than just his fine Claymore<br>when she charted his Nubian Expanse.

* * *

><p>Jacob Taylor... so fit and so trim.<br>Tonight, we'll make love, me and him.  
>I'll start at his Terminus,<br>enjoying its firmness –  
>then work my way towards his Far Rim.<p>

A Trio

This evening, my gal has intentions  
>to show me her perfect dimensions.<br>In main engineering,  
>some room she'll be clearing<br>so we can have fun near the engines.

Oh keelah, they're using my station  
>for sexual gratification.<br>As I cry in my suit,  
>guess I'll go and reboot<br>that program for nerve stimulation.

I worked for two years to rebuild him –  
>and then, into romance I willed him.<br>Now that he's undressed,  
>at last I can test<br>those special parts with which I filled him.

Mass Effect 3

In ME2, when I began it,  
>I'd search eagerly for each planet.<br>Let's hope, in Part Three  
>each new world we see<br>will let us do more than just scan it.

* * *

><p>When ME3 comes out next year.<br>I wonder whose voices we'll hear.  
>While it never gets stale<br>hearing Jennifer Hale,  
>I can't say the same for Mark Meer.<p>

* * *

><p>When Mass Effect 3 is announced,<br>I hope that the plot's more pronounced.  
>Each choice that we made,<br>the hours we played,  
>should lead to an outcome that counts.<p>

* * *

><p>When Mass Effect 3 is released,<br>I hope we will see, that at least  
>the devs give a crap<br>'bout a Citadel map  
>whose size is restored, or increased.<p>

* * *

><p>When Mass Effect 3 hits the shelves,<br>the Quarians may show themselves.  
>Now Bio, I'm loyal,<br>but it'd piss me off royal  
>ff you made them look like Night Elves.<p>

* * *

><p>When Mass Effect 3 is unfurled,<br>Ms. Vas Normandy is my girl.  
>I'll make her my spouse<br>and build her a house  
>somewhere on the Quarian world.<p>

The Ballad of Shepard and Legion

As Shepard and Legion had talked,  
>A romance at last was unlocked.<br>Love was in effect,  
>with Shep's mass erect,<br>and Legion's platform overclocked

So, Shepard was careful and cautious:  
>"I'm not sure how to start this whole process".<br>Said loveable Legion,  
>"Check my nether region<br>where you'll find my own Geth Colossus".

Emboldened by his lover's candor,  
>John Shepard began to philander.<br>He bent down to rub  
>the active Geth hub,<br>as Legion cried "Shepard Commander!"

As she watched through a camera up high,  
>poor Tali, she started to cry.<br>She screamed as she lost it,  
>"That sick little Bosh'tet!<br>He's cheating on me… with an A.I.!"

_Fin_


End file.
